On my own

 

Am not happy, am not sad either, just not happy.

I often wonder why but yet I didn't find an answer.

I tried doing different things to distract myself and maybe find this happiness everyone is talking about.

Doing exercise, going out with friends, watching movies and series, everything. Yet I felt nothing.

It just feels too lonely these days. I know some people, but even when I hang out with friends, I feel nothing

I mean I enjoy my own company more which is really frightening.

I hate to be alone with myself, it's when my mind starts thinking and I can't shut it off.

It's really dark inside my head, different non-stopping thoughts keep hitting me. I even imagine some situations that might happen in the future and of course they are not "Happy" ones.

Am I depressed?! I believe I am....

Maybe it's the reason why am not happy anymore....

I don't know what to do actually because nothing seems to give m this sense of satisfaction, happiness or whatever good feelings you might call....

People accuse me of pushing them away, but it's just that am no longer comfortable being around people. I don't have "fun", I don't feel ok or refreshed or whatever people feel that I can't put into words as I don't feel it

It's so empty inside of me, like there's nothing there and it is starting to frighten me

Am I going to live like that for the rest of my life, will it be all gloomy and depressing for like forever?! Will I find a way out of all this?! Or this is it and am trapped inside of my own head forever....

 

Mis-Directed

cause everything means nothing"....
Right means Left, yes means no, words mean nothing and promises are to be broken.
This is how the world works these days. No one actually clearly says what they truly mean. Everything must be like coded; everything must mean the total opposite of what you want to say.
Relationships are getting so complicated. A lot of aspects are to interfere. A lot of calculations and thinking about things that might happen in the future and making assumptions about them and acting upon them when they might actually never take place.
it takes a lot of stress to be honest, trying to understand and analyse every single word said, every single move made.
Why on earth can't things be much easier?
To say or do what you actually want to without all the planning and thinking.
And in the end, everything gets messed up, because everyone interprets actions and words differently.
So, for how long will we keep on going in circles? What does it take for us to understand and realize that it's just better to be up front....

Rumbling thoughts

 I won't talk about it. Doesn't mean I don't want to, I just won't.

it's better to keep it all inside, or maybe write it down anonymously so people won't judge.

I'm so tired of trying to explain what is going inside my head. No one understands, or maybe no one actually cares enough to understand. Maybe people believe in something or perceive it in such a way that they won't even think about it first before they speak up some idiotic bullshit.

it's like they have some words ready on their minds and they will just yell them out after you finish what you are trying to say or even before you finish, just like that.

so why bother? why try to explain it over and over again? It's just useless.

so just keep quiet. Don't speak your mind. Let these thoughts consume you day after day.

But then you think about it for a second, you need to let these thoughts out one way or another, because in the end they will eat you from the inside and you will be the one to suffer...….

 

It started with a look in the eyes

 

Everybody talks about "love from first sight". I actually never believed in such crap. But for my surprise, it happened. It happened to "me". It was one beautiful day, I was sitting with some friends when "he" came and sat at the table next to me. He looked towards me but was talking to his friends. I thought: “wow, he is so gorgeous". I felt something deep inside of me, like the need to get to know him, the need to be close to him. I can't explain this actually yet it just happened. Well for my surprise, the meeting occurred. It was spontaneous, the best thing that I never actually planned to meet him. I introduced myself in a very funny way, I was stupid actually. I guess he thought I was lunatic or something. We talked. Then we started seeing each other. We became closer, you know, chatting, calling, and messaging. Things went well. We became closer by time. I felt that I was falling for him. Yet I pulled myself out of it. I never actually know- until now- if he ever had feelings for me or not. I just hope. We kept on going like that for a while, I thought that: yea this is the one for me. Well but how sarcastic destiny can be. A couple of days and things started taking the "CURVE". And everything I thought would be, turned out to be nothing...….

The Intruder

 Hello again. You know that there's a saying: “if two friends love the same girl, they will both let go of her in favour of their friendship". Well it actually didn't happen that way with me. As I said, things were going just fine between me and him. We were getting closer fast, sharing secrets, talking a lot. Then one day everything started to change, when the "INTRUDER" stepped between us. His best friend, or used to be called, came and talked to me. I didn't like him. I only treated him kindly because he is his best friend. I hated everything about him, his looks, his way, the way he talked, the way he treated me, just everything. And hating him was something that I can take credit of, because what he and the rest of the "GANG" had done can never be forgiven I guess.
One day he asked to speak to me alone, well I didn't agree. So he told me what he wanted on the phone.
Intruder: I Love you and I want you to be my girlfriend.
I just petrified, I couldn't say a word actually. He repeated it again and asked me for an immediate reply. So I said I am so sorry but I DON'T LOVE YOU. 
He frowned, stopped talking to me again, meanwhile things were going even better with me and the "GUY".  He made me feel special, I don't know how he did it but I felt really "HAPPY" by his side. And happiness was something I lost long ago. 
Yet the intruder asked a close friend of mine to interfere so as we can talk again. I told him we can just be friends nothing more. He agreed but he acted differently though. 
I couldn't stand and I ended it, yet he kept on interfering between the GUY and me. He told me the GUY had no feelings for me, and I am pretty sure he told him the same. I can never know what truly happened, but I am 100% sure the GUY told the Intruder everything that was happening between us and I had some proofs to prove it. So bottom of line this moment of interfering was the BEGINNING OF THE END.......

It's complicated

 They say love is felt. The woman knows or better say feels the guy who loves her. I guess this didn't much work with me. Putting in consideration his actions, way of treatment, how we used to communicate, and no one can deny that there was definitely something more than friendship. Yet I didn't know. I was really afraid that I love him or something and everything got messed up in the end. But I feared the wrong thing, I never put in mind the INTRUDER and what he might do. I thought he will just let it go, because he totally stepped out after sometime. Yet I discovered that this was just a new plan to sabotage this relationship. Anyway I went along with the stream as they say, I thought things were getting better, but suddenly everything collapsed. And from that moment I am crying over the wrecks.....

The conspiracy begins

 

I always feared that the INTRUDER would ruin everything. Yet I thought maybe I am being too hard on him. I agreed to stay friends of a condition that he has nothing to do with the GUY and I. I never thought that by this I had made friends with the devil. I was really naïve, I guess being young has its disadvantages. I made the worst, most idiotic mistake anyone can make. I bet a child in kindergarten would never had done it. This mistake was that I never told the GUY about his friend who wanted me as his girlfriend. Well people might tell me why didn't you tell him? Are you out of your mind? Well yes I heard that quite a lot if you know what I mean. Anyway I just didn't and I can't go back in time to change this fact. The INTRUDER started intruding, he started opening the subject. He often asked me do you love the GUY. I always said well none of your business. I just known him. And this matter isn't yours to discuss, he has a mouth and can speak for himself. He took this as a no and I am 100% sure that he told the GUY that I said he is nothing to me but just a friend. After he found out that I won't confess anything to him he shut up. Yet I know he still was in contact with the GUY. This killed me, the GUY trusted his friend or who he thought might be, and told him everything.
I don't know if I should have told the INTRUDER that I like the GUY or not. But I don't think it was a good idea. If the INTRUDER'S intention from the beginning was to sabotage this relation who wouldn't give a damn about what I say even if I said I love the GUY. I got no clue I won't deny it, I don't really understand anything. Then suddenly, the GUY started to forfeit. He started stepping away, I asked him for many times but all I got was excuses. It killed me actually, but I didn't really loved him at that point. I just was fond of him, liked him so much that's all. So I said well no problem.
Then things turned really bad. And I mean stinky. I knew some people who I shouldn't have known, I trusted them, and this was the dumpiest thing I could ever do in my life. I won't spoil it now. I will tell you everything in details in the following episodes, don't rush, and don't stop reading......

My mind is NUMB

 

It's true what they say about when being in the picture differs from being out watching from outside the frame. I might be mysterious I know, what I mean is that while I was in this whole what I can call it massacre, I never saw things as they really are...I might say that I was unconscious of what was happening. I acted in a wrong way, I made dreadful mistakes. Yet what is the purpose of all this. Things are messed up already and I seem to fail to get things back the way they were. I was often surprised by that fact that so many people were trying to ruin this relation by all possible means. Yet the hardest thing ever is to discover that you so called best friends played w major role in the destruction of this relation. People might be so close to you then stab you so hard in the back without warning you. That is exactly what happened to me. And every time the stab was way stronger and deeper than the one before.

The ones who care about me tell me I must go on, let go, and live my life. They say he sold you out, so why are u holding on to him that much. I just say I have no idea, I don't know why am so bound to him?! It kills me actually. Yet I seem helpless right now, doing my best to move on. Hope it works soon.
But I always wonder: what about HIM?! Does he feel a small portion of what I feel? Does he care? Am I still on his mind? Or he managed to forget me so easily? Was I something that important to him? Or not that much? All what he did? All what has been said? All what has been done? The looks? The words? The memories? Too much to be forgotten easily. People tell me that I am a champion for being that strong and not cracking. But I guess a lot of people don't know really who I am...…..!! 

Fri-ends

Well just rewinding some memories that pass across my mind, I decided to drift a little from the GUY and the GANG issue and talk a little about another issue that is mainly my problem. F.R.I.E.D.N.S this word doesn't just consist of some letters put together to form a word. It has a wider meaning. Friendship means caring, loving, loyalty, honesty and a bunch of other things. I suck at choosing my friends. I don't know why? Am I that stupid or that naïve?   I have no idea. Well I had a lot of friends, not all of them are close. Yet the close ones often betrayed me so bad and I just lost them. I confess I have some defects but who doesn't?! I get angry so easily, I get jealous so easy, but my good points overwhelm my defects. And I don't change, so why do they like me and claim that they love me and that we are more than best friends somewhat like sisters or maybe twins. Then suddenly they just are fed up and can't take it anymore, they say that my defects they can't stand?!!But what about their defects? Why don't I get bored s easily? They hurt me, tell me words like daggers, scrub the wounds often, may believe rumours about me, all this and I just forgive and forgive. Why don't they do the same as I do, they scold me when I do some actions although they do worse than them. And when I get mad at them they just say am melodramatic and over exaggerating and so on. Then you discover the worst betrayal, to think I might sabotage their relation with other friends either males or females. I mean really people? I am not that bad?! I never intend to harm anyone especially my friends. How could you think this of me? Is this friendship? No TRUST, no HONESTY?!! I got no clue, I have been betrayed so bad that now when I feel that someone might betray me, I am sorry I will just let go of him/her first no matter how much he/she means to me. And no matter what people might say about me that am lunatic or psychic or whatever, everything I say and I mean EVERYTHING turns to be completely right in the END...…!! 

Can't let go....

 It's been a long time, this whole crooked relationship between me and the GUY. Well I guess it is time to let go....but let go?! I just can't. Every time I think of letting go something must happen to push this thought away out of my mind. So what am I supposed to do? I just keep thinking of him a lot, and a lot nonstop. And when I stop thinking, he pops into my dreams. It’s like he is stocking me or something. Did he charm me? Why is he so powerful and I am so weak?!I wonder a lot!! I let go a couple of guys before. I won't deny that I have been hurt, yet letting them go was easy though. So, what's the problem? Why things are so complicated. What kills me the most is the fact that he might have let go of me, yes he see me somewhere and he's like I know her, there was something. Yet even though if he had feelings before now he feels nothing! Or that what I think. He treats me as any other less than the ordinary girls. Just a little talk some day or a coincidence. Not like before, we aren't even close friends if you know what I mean! Just a girl he met. So the fact that am still bound to him while he had broken free from my chains bugs me a lot. Dreams, dreams, they just reflect what I feel inside of me. And these reflections show that I am still bound. Things collapsed between us and I tried my best to re build them again but no use, never changed the fact that he had built a barrier between me and him. But why?  He forgave dozens of people who hurt him a lot and caused harm to him. So why not me? Why can't he forgive?! Maybe forget?!He keeps telling me I don't hate you, I can't hate you. So..?! What is the benefit if not hating me if it doesn't change anything?! I am just so numb. Sometimes I burst in tears, other times am truly angry. And other times I am just depressed. I pray God to set me loose, but it seems to take a very long time. I don't know what to do.....Don’t know!!!!