Memory?

I often think about it much, sometimes for very long hours....."If i leave, will you come searching for me? Or would the memories be enought for you?"I wanted to ask you this question alot of times before vut i decided i shouldn't I can't bare the answer i suppose or i am just afraid of what you might say...But why should i ask when your actions say it all...If i leave, you won't even care....it won't matter at all, you would just live your life as if nothong has changed, as if nothing is missing...and that's ok i guess, good for u...But then i think of how stupid i am, how naïve...because even if you are here, i still miss you....the second you leave, i just want you back....and if you leave, my whole life will be turned apside down...So i guess the only option i have is TO BE THE ONE WHO LEAVES... to spare myself some dignity, i should just go away......

On my own

 

Am not happy, am not sad either, just not happy.

I often wonder why but yet I didn't find an answer.

I tried doing different things to distract myself and maybe find this happiness everyone is talking about.

Doing exercise, going out with friends, watching movies and series, everything. Yet I felt nothing.

It just feels too lonely these days. I know some people, but even when I hang out with friends, I feel nothing

I mean I enjoy my own company more which is really frightening.

I hate to be alone with myself, it's when my mind starts thinking and I can't shut it off.

It's really dark inside my head, different non-stopping thoughts keep hitting me. I even imagine some situations that might happen in the future and of course they are not "Happy" ones.

Am I depressed?! I believe I am....

Maybe it's the reason why am not happy anymore....

I don't know what to do actually because nothing seems to give m this sense of satisfaction, happiness or whatever good feelings you might call....

People accuse me of pushing them away, but it's just that am no longer comfortable being around people. I don't have "fun", I don't feel ok or refreshed or whatever people feel that I can't put into words as I don't feel it

It's so empty inside of me, like there's nothing there and it is starting to frighten me

Am I going to live like that for the rest of my life, will it be all gloomy and depressing for like forever?! Will I find a way out of all this?! Or this is it and am trapped inside of my own head forever....

 

Mis-Directed

cause everything means nothing"....
Right means Left, yes means no, words mean nothing and promises are to be broken.
This is how the world works these days. No one actually clearly says what they truly mean. Everything must be like coded; everything must mean the total opposite of what you want to say.
Relationships are getting so complicated. A lot of aspects are to interfere. A lot of calculations and thinking about things that might happen in the future and making assumptions about them and acting upon them when they might actually never take place.
it takes a lot of stress to be honest, trying to understand and analyse every single word said, every single move made.
Why on earth can't things be much easier?
To say or do what you actually want to without all the planning and thinking.
And in the end, everything gets messed up, because everyone interprets actions and words differently.
So, for how long will we keep on going in circles? What does it take for us to understand and realize that it's just better to be up front....

Rumbling thoughts

 I won't talk about it. Doesn't mean I don't want to, I just won't.

it's better to keep it all inside, or maybe write it down anonymously so people won't judge.

I'm so tired of trying to explain what is going inside my head. No one understands, or maybe no one actually cares enough to understand. Maybe people believe in something or perceive it in such a way that they won't even think about it first before they speak up some idiotic bullshit.

it's like they have some words ready on their minds and they will just yell them out after you finish what you are trying to say or even before you finish, just like that.

so why bother? why try to explain it over and over again? It's just useless.

so just keep quiet. Don't speak your mind. Let these thoughts consume you day after day.

But then you think about it for a second, you need to let these thoughts out one way or another, because in the end they will eat you from the inside and you will be the one to suffer...….

 

It started with a look in the eyes

 

Everybody talks about "love from first sight". I actually never believed in such crap. But for my surprise, it happened. It happened to "me". It was one beautiful day, I was sitting with some friends when "he" came and sat at the table next to me. He looked towards me but was talking to his friends. I thought: “wow, he is so gorgeous". I felt something deep inside of me, like the need to get to know him, the need to be close to him. I can't explain this actually yet it just happened. Well for my surprise, the meeting occurred. It was spontaneous, the best thing that I never actually planned to meet him. I introduced myself in a very funny way, I was stupid actually. I guess he thought I was lunatic or something. We talked. Then we started seeing each other. We became closer, you know, chatting, calling, and messaging. Things went well. We became closer by time. I felt that I was falling for him. Yet I pulled myself out of it. I never actually know- until now- if he ever had feelings for me or not. I just hope. We kept on going like that for a while, I thought that: yea this is the one for me. Well but how sarcastic destiny can be. A couple of days and things started taking the "CURVE". And everything I thought would be, turned out to be nothing...….

The Intruder

 Hello again. You know that there's a saying: “if two friends love the same girl, they will both let go of her in favour of their friendship". Well it actually didn't happen that way with me. As I said, things were going just fine between me and him. We were getting closer fast, sharing secrets, talking a lot. Then one day everything started to change, when the "INTRUDER" stepped between us. His best friend, or used to be called, came and talked to me. I didn't like him. I only treated him kindly because he is his best friend. I hated everything about him, his looks, his way, the way he talked, the way he treated me, just everything. And hating him was something that I can take credit of, because what he and the rest of the "GANG" had done can never be forgiven I guess.
One day he asked to speak to me alone, well I didn't agree. So he told me what he wanted on the phone.
Intruder: I Love you and I want you to be my girlfriend.
I just petrified, I couldn't say a word actually. He repeated it again and asked me for an immediate reply. So I said I am so sorry but I DON'T LOVE YOU. 
He frowned, stopped talking to me again, meanwhile things were going even better with me and the "GUY".  He made me feel special, I don't know how he did it but I felt really "HAPPY" by his side. And happiness was something I lost long ago. 
Yet the intruder asked a close friend of mine to interfere so as we can talk again. I told him we can just be friends nothing more. He agreed but he acted differently though. 
I couldn't stand and I ended it, yet he kept on interfering between the GUY and me. He told me the GUY had no feelings for me, and I am pretty sure he told him the same. I can never know what truly happened, but I am 100% sure the GUY told the Intruder everything that was happening between us and I had some proofs to prove it. So bottom of line this moment of interfering was the BEGINNING OF THE END.......

It's complicated

 They say love is felt. The woman knows or better say feels the guy who loves her. I guess this didn't much work with me. Putting in consideration his actions, way of treatment, how we used to communicate, and no one can deny that there was definitely something more than friendship. Yet I didn't know. I was really afraid that I love him or something and everything got messed up in the end. But I feared the wrong thing, I never put in mind the INTRUDER and what he might do. I thought he will just let it go, because he totally stepped out after sometime. Yet I discovered that this was just a new plan to sabotage this relationship. Anyway I went along with the stream as they say, I thought things were getting better, but suddenly everything collapsed. And from that moment I am crying over the wrecks.....